Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows v2
by Iron the Stove
Summary: The way it should have gone.
1. Prologue

The Real Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

**The Real Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows.**

**Publishing Assistant's Note:** During the writing of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Princess Rowling was put under a dramatic amount of pressure to change the plotline of the story due to the fact that the Queen's little daughter, also Princess Rowling's sister, Harry (whom the story's main character was named after) cried at the original ending that had been written saying that it was "too mean". Hence, near the end of chapter 13, Princess Rowling proceeded to take steps to change the story to suit the tastes of a younger and much stupider audience. As Princess Rowling's self-proclaimed confidant and unofficial manager, I've taken the pains to rewrite the book as it should have been written starting from the point of divergence and how Princess Rowling originally would have wanted it despite how much she may deny this fact if ever confronted with this version of the story. Allow me to say that she has been well compensated with GBPs to say things such as "I never wrote a version like that", "That's a fake, obviously distinguishable from the rudimentary writing style.", or "Who the bloodly hell is using my characters? I'll cast a forbidden curse on their bloody arse." Allow me to note that these are some but not all of the wide range of comments she is allowed utilize if ever brought to comment on this "true" version. Despite what Princess Rowling may say deep inside she is thankful to me for allowing her original intentions on how the 7th novel in the sequel should have ended. I'd also like to mention that Princess Rowling had made frames for novels to follow up on Harry's life even after the 7th spanning from the time he first shagged Ginny to the time he last shagged Ginny, and finally to the time he could shag no more. This plan however was put to a halt by the Queen herself (bless her soul) due to her discovery that her daughter's series was actually a precociously thought out plan to form the foundations for the "New Church of Rowling" which would overthrow the Great British Empire and form a new society composed of lonely children dressed in long robes wildly waving stripped tree branches while running throughout the city chanting gibberish like a French rapper and proceeding to commit suicide by jumping off of buildings with cleaning utensils. However this is going on a bit of a tangent from the original intention of this side-note. Anyway the name of this novel follows through tradition of not pertaining to the actual plot itself, such as "The Chamber of Secrets." I certainly did not find any chamber that held any tactful secrets while reading the novel. As far as I recall, Harry just ran into an annoying specter and an overgrown garden snake at the age of twelve. Well I've drawled on long enough, without much further ado about nothing; I present the original and unaltered version of HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS!

Note: (incase your IQ persists to a number below three digits (or even two for that matter), I'd like to take this time to state that I'm not being completely undishonest. If you would like to actually take the time to notify Princess Rowling of this version, I'd like to also take the time to beg you not to do so. The princess is quite busy with her chores such as the writing of her new novel "Hogwarts: Why You Can't Get in and Why We Don't Care" and contributing to her Harry Potter's Pick-Up lines Pamphlet with witty quotes from the protagonist himself such as "We may not be in Prof. Flitwick's class, but you're still charming." Or "When I'm in need of summoning a patronus, I simply think of you." Anyway, back on subject although I've stated multiple times throughout, I'd like to say once again that this is not the undishonestly true version and that things in this version are only as valid as my standing as Princess Rowling's self-proclaimed confidant goes. I'd also like to thank everyone whom I stole ideas from (laugh). Plagiarize, plagiarize, and let no one else's work escape your eyes! If they find out I'll publish first! Enjoy.


	2. Chapter 13 point 8

Chap 13

**Chap 13.8**

**Note:** I've left (#) throughout this story. It's simply side comments I wanted to write in, but could not, seeing as how this is Princess Rowling's version which must remain unaltered. Feel free to read them if you wish, though they have no relation to the storyline whatsoever.

Hermione gasped as she, Harry and Ron ran through the shower of spells being fired off from behind them. Yaxley was right on their tail as the trio neared the exits of the ministry.

"Just a little farther…" gasped Harry as he turned around to fire off a stunning spell toward the pursuers right on their tail.

Relief rushed through Hermione's body as the distance between them and the exit grew smaller.

10 meters….

5 meters….

3 meters….

Suddenly, Hermione's joy turned into absolute terror as she felt something grab onto her robe from behind. She quickly jerked her head back to see the face of Yaxley out of breath with his wand pointed in their direction.

"_Crucio!_" gasped Yaxley.

Suddenly, Hermione screamed out in pain as she felt her skin being ripped apart by thousands of red-hot knives piercing every centimeter of her body pushing in deeper and deeper as her screams echoed louder throughout the hall.

Hermione opened her eyes to see Yaxley pointing his wand toward Harry and Ron, and out of sheer instinct, she mustered enough strength to lunge her body toward Yaxley to throw him off balance. She turned around and saw Harry and Ron heading in her direction, but knew that Yaxley was still holding tight onto her robes and that she had only bought her friends a few precious seconds. She began to panic and her mind went blank uttering the same train of thought due to the pain of the curse.

"What do I do? What do I do? How are we going to get out of this?" thought Hermione desperately.

Then without another moment's hesitation, she pulled her wand out of her robes, and summoning all of her will power to focus off of the pain, she pointed her wand at Harry who was running in front of Ron.

"_Stupefy!_"

Her wand shook violently as a red jet of light erupted out of the tip and landed in Harry's abdomen sending him flying backwards with Ron right with him. The two flew back into the exit portal and vanished from sight. She felt relief knowing that her two friends were safe since Ron was proficient at Disapparating. She knew that Ron would probably try to go back, but she was also aware that he wouldn't just leave Harry unconscious outside of the bathroom stall in such a dangerous place so Ron would drop Harry off at Grimmauld Place; by then everything would be finished….

"DAMMIT!" screamed Yaxley.

As Hermione turned around to face the death eater, she let out a gasp of shock mixed with pain as Yaxley's fist crunched against her left cheekbone. Hermione's head slammed against the checkered marble floor from the sheer force of the punch; as she dazedly placed her hands in front of her body to lift herself off of the floor, she let out another gasp of pain as Yaxley's foot flew into her stomach sending her small figure sprawling across the floor and finally crashing against a wall.

"You'll regret having done that filthy mudblood." hissed Yaxley

By now all of the other pursuers had caught up breathing heavily, and Hermione's relief for Harry and Ron's safety was suddenly overcome by fear; pure fear at the punishment she was about to receive, pure fear that maybe her plan for Ron and Harry's safety had actually backfired, and pure fear that she had just wasted her life.

"Oh god, someone help me. Please save me…" thought Hermione frantically.

Yaxley spat at the ground angrily before addressing her, "Someone is going to be out for blood for letting those intruders escape under our noses; I certainly hope your corpse will be able to satisfy in that manner, but first we're going to have some fun."

Yaxley let out a malignant laugh as he pointed his wand at Hermione's terrified crimson-stained face and shouted out,

"_Crucio!_"


	3. Chapter 14 Three becomes two

Chap 14: Three becomes two

**Chap 14: Three Becomes Two**

Harry groggily awoke to find Ron with his disguise worn off sitting in an old armchair facing him with a grave look on his face.

Harry slowly arose into a sitting position on the bed he was on; by looking around he could tell that they were in Grimmauld Place. Why was he sleeping? And why did Ron look so serious?

"Ron, what on earth…." But suddenly Harry stopped in the middle of his sentence as his memory suddenly flooded back at the events that had just occurred at the ministry. Then Harry let out an involuntary gasp as he suddenly remembered Hermione stunning him as he ran towards her to save her from Yaxley.

Harry jumped out of bed, but Ron remained as stiff as a statue seemingly unaware of the small fact that Harry was awake.

"Ron!" said Harry hurriedly, "We have to go back! We have to save Hermione!"

Ron however made no gesture as to having heard Harry.

Harry quickly growing impatient said again, "Ron! Do you hear me! Hermione is in trouble! Quick Apparate back to the ministry!"

Finally for the first time, Ron looked up towards Harry as if seeing him for the first time, and said in a painfully strained voice, "It's no use Harry, they've captured her; we can't rescue her now"

A cold chill rushed down Harry's spine as he heard the words come out of Ron's mouth. Harry knew that Hermione had been left behind, yet he hadn't wanted to hear it. He had hoped that a miracle had occurred and Hermione had made it out safely, but Ron's confirmation was like reality slapping Harry in the face.

NO! Harry refused to give up hope. Hermione wouldn't just leave Harry or Ron behind, so why should he?

Despite Ron's saddening demeanor, Harry was determined to convince Ron into joining in on the rescue attempt.

"Look Ron," began Harry in an obvious rush, "it isn't over yet. We have to go back to rescue Hermione. She would have done the same for us and you know it!"

Instead of jumping out of the seat in agreement like Harry expected of Ron, Ron clutched both of his hands round his head and began shaking back and fourth feverishly saying over and over, "No, we can't….. she sacrificed herself…. We can't go back."

Finally Harry had had enough, "Look! If you aren't coming to rescue Hermione then I'll go by myself."

As Harry began walking down the dusty corridor toward the door out of Grimmauld, Harry heard Ron's voice behind him suddenly change to a stoic manner.

"You aren't leaving Harry." Ron stated flatly.

Harry turned around to face Ron and was surprised to see Ron with his wand drawn directed straight at Harry's chest.

Harry stared at Ron coolly while hovering his hand over his robe pocket where his own wand lay dormant inside.

"You plan on stopping me?" said Harry coldly.

"If I have to I will." Ron shot back.

Harry's concern for Hermione slowly dissipated has he stood facing his best friend (1) in a most unfriendly situation. Anger towards Ron began to surface; did he not care at all about Hermione? Would Ron leave Harry to the death eaters and make a break for himself if Harry were caught as well? Didn't Ron have feelings for Hermione that extended beyond friendship? Or was it only to satisfy Ron's own personal agenda?

Harry stared at Ron with fire burning in his eyes as he said through gritted teeth, "Ron, put down your wand."

Ron did not falter at all and continued pointing his wand in Harry's direction with no sign of yielding to Harry's demand.

"Hey I've got a better idea," said Ron with no tone of determination in his voice (2),"Why don't you stop being a bloody moron and step away from the door instead."

Harry had finally had enough of arguing with Ron. He turned back around towards the door and began walking towards it again.

Harry heard Ron's behind him saying, "I'm warning you…"

But Harry continued walking casually toward the door leading out of Grimmauld Place.

Suddenly Ron's voice was heard shouting, "_Stupefy!_"

Harry lunged to his left as he felt the spell shoot past him and ricochet off of the door finally pinning itself between the wall on the right and an ancient coat of armor. The sudden noise awoke Mrs.Black as she screamed out, "FILTHY BLOOD TRATORS! LET THERE BE A-" but her speech was suddenly interrupted as another stunning spell shot right at her portrait and she let out a wild shriek before closing the curtain upon herself.

By now Harry had also pulled out his own wand and was shooting his wide array of spells (3) in Ron's direction. Harry had not yet fully recovered from the stunning spell Hermione had shot at him so his entire body was a bit shaky. As he leaped out to change positions, his foot got caught against his robe and he crashed painfully against the floor. As Harry tried to scamper up, he heard Ron directly above him. Harry realized that he had lost to Ron.

"Don't move." said Ron as he slowly bent down to take away Harry's wand.

But just as Ron's hands were about to take Harry's wand from his hand, Harry leapt with all of his might smashing the top of his skull against Ron's face. Ron let out a painful yelp as he lost his footing and fell back. Harry's vision suddenly blacked out as he fell forward from the searing pain he felt from crushing his head against Ron's lower jaw. Both wizards quickly grabbed their wands and pointed them at each other as they shouted simultaneously,

"_Stupefy!_"

(1) because Harry was an ignorant bestial sloth that was incapable of processing more than one thought at a time.

(2) a tone Ron had finally learned to mimic from his badass brother Bill.

(3) and by wide array, in Harry's case, it meant none other than Expelli-whatever, Stupefy (indeed), and white pony attack which against Ron was the same as using Magikarp's splash: No effect.


	4. Chapter 15 And then there was one

Chap 15: And then there was one

**Chap 15: And then there was one**

Inside of a dingy dark cell a small lump lay on the stone floor in a crumpled heap. A sudden scream of pain echoed in the far distance which caused the lump to stir quietly admitting an excruciating groan of agony from the movement. The scream dragged Hermione back into reality as she awoke suddenly jerking her head upward in an attempt to look around, but had her head fall back against the floor from the pain shooting through her body due to her injuries. After having the pain subside, she slowly crawled along the floor until she was able to inch up to the wall and lean against it for support. She after catching her breath from the torturous pain of moving her body, she began to examine her surrounding to get an idea of where exactly she was while recollecting what had happened before she blacked out.

Yaxley had preformed the Crucio curse multiple times on her demanding the location of where Harry and Ron went, but she had remained silent throughout the entire ordeal. She thought it was pathetic how so many ministry workers had walked by staring at the torture yet choose to do nothing but stare at the ground like frightened animals as they scurried by.

"Well what would you have expected them to do even if they did choose to act?" Hermione asked herself.

After growing impatient with Hermione's stubborn silence, Yaxley dragged her into the exit portal and Disapparated into a stuffy room where she could not see anything then heard Yaxley chant a stunning spell before she blacked out.

The cell floor was about five square meters and the ceiling eight meters up with (thankfully) a toilet in the back center facing the giant wooden door made of rotting wood that Hermione decided she had been dragged in from. The cell was cobbled with stone all along the floor and wall, and Hermione decided it was safe to assume that the cell was magic proof so she wouldn't be able to Disapparate out, though she decided that the thought of using magic was pointless when she realized that her wand had been confiscated while she was unconscious. The stone in the cell was black with dirt and grime stuck to the walls and the only source of light was a dim lamp that gave off an eerie green glow. As Hermione continued to examine the room she heard another scream in the distance that caused her to shiver involuntarily.

"A woman," she thought to herself, "and an unlucky one at that."

Though Hermione was certain that she would be subjected to whatever torture the owner of the voice was going though eventually she tried to keep her mind off of it by analyzing her current situation further. As she gingerly poked her fingers around her body she saw that she had suffered some broken ribs along with a dislocated shoulder as she tried to move her left arm only to fail miserably due to the interfering pain. Her face ached in the location where she had been struck, but Hermione wasn't in possession of a mirror so she wasn't able to sum up the damage that had been done, but from poking around further it seemed like her cheekbone had been shattered and by examining her hair in the light she was able to tell that the polyjuice potion's effect had subsided.

"That Yaxley really needs to learn how to treat a girl." thought Hermione sarcastically.

After looking at every small detail around the dungeon, Hermione still had no idea as to where she was or what country she was in for that matter.

"I wonder if Harry and Ron are looking for me." pondered Hermione.

She felt incredibly stupid for what she had done, but at the time she had panicked and only took what action she could come up with to guarantee Ron and Harry's safety in that short period of time she had been given. Hundreds of scenarios ran through Hermione's head on what steps she could have taken to get all three out of the ministry, but she quickly brushed away those thoughts.

"No point in crying over spilt milk." She muttered to herself.

Hermione let out another involuntary cry of pain as she tried to shift her weight into a more comfortable position. Despite the bleak situation, Hermione decided that she was lucky to still be alive, and it was a mistake on the death eater's part. She would exploit it by finding a way to escape and getting back to her friends. A new determination surged through Hermione as she began taking off her robe in order to tear and bandage her wounds when suddenly she heard footsteps approaching her cell outside of the huge wooden door.


	5. Chapter 16 Logic pierces into Harry

Chap 16: Logic pierces into Harry's thick skull

**Chap 16: Logic pierces into Harry's thick skull. Hilarity does not ensue.**

Back at Grimmauld Place two bodies lay unconscious on the dusty floor. At the foot of the staircase at the end of the corridor, Kreacher the house elf finished his decent down the stairs. He summoned a brush and dustpan with a loud crack and began sweeping up the mess that the small skirmish had created slowly working his way to the two motionless figures lying on the floor. His treasured gold locket hung heavily on his neck swinging side to side occasionally brushing against the dirty worn down rags he wore as he approached nearer and nearer muttering to himself, "Young wizards will be young wizards." Instead of the usual cursing he did. Apparently Harry's forced kindness had made a lasting impression upon Kreacher.

When he finally got to the first body, he grabbed the figure's red hair and began dragging the body to a swept area. Ron gave an uncomfortable grunt as Kreacher transported his body across the floor, but remained in slumber regardless. After Kreacher finished moving Ron, he began cleaning where the body had just lain then grabbed the red hair again and dragged the body back to its original spot. Kreacher repeated this odd chore with his master's body as well, but was considerate enough to levitate the body instead of dragging it along by a tuff of hair. After sweeping up the debris from the fight Kreacher disappeared with a loud crack.

A few minutes later, Ron and Harry's body began to stir awake (4). Both boys woke up groggy eyed facing each other. Neither bothered to life their wands, but instead began tending to their wounds. Ron rubbed the side of his face that Harry had head-butted whereas Harry rubbed the top of his head which he had done the head-butting with. Neither said a word to each other this entire time; finally Harry got up and dusted himself off and faced Ron.

Harry stated flatly, "I don't care if you're too scared to come along, but I'm going to go look for Hermione. She would have done the same for us and you know it."

Ron suddenly flushed red and jumped to his feet.

"What do you mean scared? Are you calling me a coward?" said Ron angrily.

"Yea it seems so." Harry replied coldly.

(5) "You don't even understand what Hermione did do you?" said Ron, but his tone had changed; the anger had subsided and his voice was calm with a small trace of sadness in it.

Harry was taken aback by the sudden lack of hostility, but still chose to treat Ron coldly for the time they had wasted, "What I understand is that she bought us some time so we could get away and go back for her later." He said tartly.

Ron walked back to his armchair and crumpled into it as if his body could no longer support whatever burden he was carrying.

Facing the wooden floor and shaking his head Ron said quietly, "No Harry…. That isn't what she did. If all she wanted to do was buy us time, she wouldn't have stunned you like that to force you and me into the portal; she had already bought us time as we were heading in her direction, but what she didn't want was for us to rescue her, but for us to get the bloody hell out before we got captured too, don't you see?"

"Yea and we did get out, so now we're going back for her. Don't YOU see?" Harry argued back.

Ron let out a deep sigh, "And how exactly do you propose we get her? I knew as soon as I popped out of that toilet stall there was no going back since I didn't have anymore of the coins to enter the ministry again; and even if I did I sure as bloody hell couldn't leave you there unconscious Harry." replied Ron, "And since we don't know where she is now, or even if she's still alive for that matter, if we just barge back in trying to rescue her and get caught ourselves, wouldn't that make her entire sacrifice pointless?"

Harry was appalled by the words coming out of Ron's mouth.

"How can you even say something like that? Don't you even have the slightest hope that Hermione can be rescued?" Harry asked.

Suddenly Ron rose out of his chair and shouted angrily at Harry, "Who the bloody hell do you think you're talking to? Do I have any hope? I've been thinking about nothing but jumping back down that toilet to chase down Yaxley and getting back Hermione since we got here! Do you have any idea how hard it was to not go back and stay here with you? I kept control over myself because I thinking to myself, 'If I had done what Hermione had done would I want my friends rushing back to try and rescue me when they were sure as hell to get caught and tortured?' Hell no, and I'm sure that was what Hermione was thinking too. You're damn right I think she can be rescued and I'm going to be the one that does it, but running back into the ministry where death eaters are probably camping the entrances by now sure as hell isn't going to do it Harry. We have to think logically."

Ron's eyes pierced into Harry's as they welled up with tears of frustration. Harry finally understood how much pain Ron had been going through and how hard it had been for Ron to not jump out of his chair and go with Harry back to the ministry. Thinking logically, what Ron said was indeed true; it was nothing short of suicide to go back where obvious intruders had been spotted.

Harry walked over to the bed and sat down facing across to Ron.

"Ok." Harry murmured, "Lets think of a plan then."

(4) apparently both of their stunning spells were equally weak.

(5) Then they both stunned each other in anger and went unconscious for another twenty minutes before continuing where their conversation had left off.


End file.
